Monday, August 13, 2012

Missing Uganda and Anxiety

Most of the time... I stress about the little things, not even the little things, like the microsc.opic and even the non-existent things. I have always been a worrier. My granny was a worrier. She didn't fly in planes. She didn't drive a car. She wouldn't leave the house in a storm. After being diagnosed with anxiety disorder many years ago and learning about it, especially the hereditary tendencies... I wonder if she ever had panic attacks and if she had ever wondered if there was a way to be otherwise... anyhow...

Often I worry. My whole life I have worried. I can't tell you how many awesome things that I have missed out on while being so busy worrying. Missions trips I skipped because they involved a plane. Leisure trips my mom has tried to get me to join her on that the plane was in my way. Trips I went on and didn't enjoy because I was busy stressing about things that never even happened...

Anyhow I can only thank the LORD that my trip to Uganda was unlike any trip I have been on before. I enjoyed the heck out of every single minute (even the real big existing stressful situations). I kept thinking, when will I be back to spend 5 weeks in Uganda again? And how will I ever be able to seize these very moments again. Not to mention the pure bliss from having my son safe in my arms. These were 5 very very happy weeks. Perhaps the most anxiety free ones I have ever lived. Though I won't lie, since I have been back I have not been the same person that I used to be. Even family members have suggested I completely stop taking the anxiety medicine that I have been on for about 10 years now, since I seem to so not need it anymore. They call it the "new kim".

Well. Watching a Ugandan win the second Gold medal the country has ever won in the Olympics, and the first in the men's marathon filled me with pride for our family's second homeland. When Kiprotich realized no one could catch him and his face broke out in that beautiful Ugandan smile, my heart swelled. It made me miss my friends in Uganda. And instantly my memories took me back there. Driving in the car with Farouk. Exploring Uganda. Chasing paperwork. The friday market. Cafe Java. I can't wait to go back.

Bryan and I talked a bit about going back today. I told him how I can't wait for Josiah to go back when he is a bit older and can really experience it and continue to be proud of the land that he is from and the culture that is a part of him. I think I was telling Josiah that when he got married his wife would have to come live with us so he could stay in our house forever (yes - i know - i will have to let him go one day). Then I told him he ought to go to USF so he could stay at home when he went to college. Then Bry stated the obvious that he would be going to Harvard Law not piddly USF (LOL). At which point I piped up that he couldn't be a lawyer because he was too sweet and that he must be a doctor. And, if he were a doctor we could serve in Uganda on missions trips in a more effective way. Then Bry brought up the obvious end point... That Josiah could (with his big doctor salary) buy a house in Uganda so that we could live part of the year there and part of the year here. Duh mommy, obviously. :)

But really, I have been thinking a lot about spending longer periods of time there. I wish I had the mind-frame I have now about 15 years ago. I wish when I was wasting time as an early adult without a care in the world... that I had cares for the world.. That I had made use of that time in a more effective way, specifically serving in the mission field in Uganda or somewhere similar. But for now, I can just work hard when Josiah naps and save up my pennies to go back to the country we love and soak it up for all its worth.

Cute Josiah Moments of the Weekend

  • when he ran at his grandpa full force and gave him a big hug and kiss
  • he suddenly started repeating something i tell him often "mommy loves me" "daddy loves me" and he says it over and over and giggles to himself
  • when he wants cuddles (since hes too tough a guy to just admit he wants cuddles) he pretends he hurts himself and fake cries and leans into my arms to cradle him with a smirk on his face
  • when he is crying about something stupid and i fake cry at him he fake cries back until we dissolve in laughter
  • when we watched kiprotich win gold and explained to him a ugandan won the olympic gold in mens marathon he started singing the ugandan national anthem
  • when i ran to the store without him (a rarety) bry sent me a photo of him kneeling in front of the door peering out waiting for me
  • when he eats now he goes around the table asking everyone if their meal is good
  • he is bonding so well with bry lately as shown by the suretell sign of him soothing on Bry's collar
  • when he saw daddy rubbing my feet the other day he grabbed my foot and started rubbing it too
OK though there are so many more, i will stop as it is after 2am. But for the sake of recording his moments I have to share. :)

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