It is hard to explain this kind of peace. The kind of peace that comes from having this journey behind you. It came to mind recently how this really felt. I felt like while we were in it, from beginning until the moment we got off that plane... that at any moment the phone would ring and someone would be giving us news that broke our hearts. It happened more than once. And no matter which program we were in, I always felt like at any moment the phone would ring and my heart would once again break in to a million pieces.
I feel like I was holding my breath for two years. I felt like I had let out the exhale two years in the making. I could care less where my phone is (other than when an adorable kodak moment pops up). I could care less when it rings, I don't get a pit in my stomach waiting for caller id to pop up. I don't wait for a call hoping it bears good and not bad news. There is no pending doom feeling. The phone rings or doesn't ring but it doesnt hold me captive.
My days are filled with this boy who has this smile that makes my whole body sigh. When he yells "mammy mammy" and reaches for me it finally feels as it should be. When he just wants to sit and rock and soothe on the neckline of my shirt, it is how it should be. When we sit on the floor and let the cars in our hands talk to each other, it is how it should be. When we cuddle under the covers watching little bear, it is finally as it should be.
Next week we get to finalize so he will officially be our son in the eyes of the state of Florida. He will legally be as if he was born biologically to us. But from the moment we laid eyes on him and he came and hugged me, he was ours. It was as it should be.
On another note of peace - I am ordering this webcam while I am in fear he will one day try to climb out of the crib and hurt himself in the fall. Rather than worrying about that and losing the peace I am so happy to have - I am putting this in the nursery so I can have eyes on him at every moment. There is even a free iphone app that comes with it so I can watch him on my pc or on my iphone home or not. WOOT!
D-Link DCS-932L mydlink-Enabled Wireless-N Day/Night Network Camera