Wednesday, December 21, 2011

the first loss

In May of 2011 we received an email from our local homestudy agency about a situation locally that needed a family who was ready immediately to take a boy about to be born that the planned adoptive family had changed their minds about. After praying and careful research and consideration we realized that this seemed to be the best case scenario for us. The birth mother said over and over that she was 100% going to move forward. She was not parenting her two older children and said she could not parent a new child. She had already spent some of the pregnancy in jail and been through domestic disputes with the birth father. We excitedly got the room ready, the supplies, through the paperwork, took care of the birthmom and got to know her.

In late June the bm called me saying she was headed to the hospital and to hold tight until she got settled and then she would call and we could head up. I spent the day going through labor with her. Holding her hand when she needed someone to squeeze. Helping her walk to the bathroom. Putting ice in her mouth. Rubbing her hand, arm, face, whatever I could do to help. Late that night it was time to push. They asked me to hold one of the legs. She told them she wanted to hold the baby a moment and then to hand him to me, and that I would name him for the birth cert. It was crazy. First birth I have seen. I have no words. He came out. Beautiful. I cut the cord and we held him and fed him. Mr Awesome excitedly came in and gave him his first bottle. We took pictures and texted our parents and siblings the pictures.

The bm has asked for the baby to stay overnight in the nursery. It was after midnight and we had been up since 1am the night before. The doctor would be in around 5am they said so the nurses advised we go back to the hotel for a couple hours sleep. When we returned after a couple hours of sleep the baby was back in the bm's room. We were also told she had asked for him the night before, but then hadn't been feeding him or changing the diapers. We quickly took care of these needs and spent the day in a tiny room with the baby, bm, and the bm's current boyfriend. We watched movies and laughed and took care of the baby. Towards the end of the day, the night before the papers were to be signed, she seemed to be fighting with the bf and ended up leaving. I asked if she was ok and if she was going for a walk and she said yes. We continued to care for the baby and at some point I realized she had been gone a while. In the instant I realized the lawyer called and informed me that she was changing her mind.

What followed was terrible grieving. Many tears. Many many tears. Took a while to come back to planet earth after this. Its not really explainable...

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