Wednesday, December 21, 2011

broken and glued back up - loss #2 (or 5 if you count the shortlived ones)

 first it was a done deal. we didn't trust it though. we were convinced domestic private is a hell hole of broken hopes and unfulfilled promises. but they said it was a done deal. we refused to financially invest but they moved forward without any financial investment from us.

first hangup was a sonogram that hinted at club foot, down syndrome, and possibly cleft palate/lip. We prayed and opted to move forward after being told there was a good chance the baby had all that. we knew God would lead us no matter the challenges. the very day we said we would definitely move forward regardless of possible ds and others... we were told the bfather was now a problem and though earlier said he would sign now refusing and wanted to parent the child. we learned the birth father was abusive, college dropout, a drug addict, and convicted of drug charges. we were also told in 99% of situations the bfather never follows through. we were told we just needed to send a letter forcing him to claim or walk away from the baby. we were assured he would walk away. next we were told he and his father planned to fight for the baby because they really wanted to force bmother to keep him. in our hearts we gave up then. we felt it important to continue supporting bm though. and we did. texted, called, encouraged... when she was sad or stressed she would call crying and we would encourage her that God had a plan and no matter what it would work out. then we were told the baby no longer showed any signs of ds or other birth problems. yay. then there was question that bf was the bf. so after child was born they did pat test. four days later we were told to expect the call with results. being told bf was the only one to have unprotected sex with her we were anxious to get the call so we could officially put it all behind us. but instead we got a call "hes not the father come get him."

lawyer was out of town though. so baby had to stay with bm all weekend. spent the weekend with the baby caring for the baby at bfam's house since lawyer said not to take the baby until after signing, despite bfam's offer to take him back to hotel. tuesday morning started getting weird calls from bfamily about that they didnt want to deal with crazy lawyer anymore. while we agreed we wanted this done and over with so we just encouraged them and told them to let us know what they wanted to do. in the end we got call from the lawyer that it was over, confirmed by bgm.

had to go over and pick up the carseat we had left from the day before when we took bfam out to ice cream. i walked in and they immediately threw the baby in my arms and left the room. as soon as i looked down at him I started sobbing. then grandma came back. she said "shes in the shower. dont leave until you get to see her". When she walked out half crawling on the floor sobbing. hysterical. I went to hug her. Tried to hand baby to her. she couldnt hold him up. she handed him to grandma. grandma left room with him. we hugged and bawled. she kept saying "im so sorry. im so sorry. its not my fault. its not my fault". i left. she fell. then crawled to her room crawling. said to her grandma "cant do this. shes leaving".

we left. drove home. cried on and off. got home. went to sleep. i was scared i would wake up in that same depression like the first time this happened. but no. woke up full of hope and ready for the future. God is good.

thats the long and short of it. onward.

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