Monday, October 10, 2011

Journey To Healing :: Part One

My Journey To Healing began at the Created for Care retreat earlier this year. I didn't even know what was coming for me. I was excited and thought it was going to be a great weekend with my besties, and that I would learn so much adoption-wise, but I had no clue how the Lord was about to meet me.

The first night Dr Susan Hillis asked us to close our eyes, spend some time in prayer, and ask the Lord what He would show us that weekend. I was so excited about just being there that I was totally unprepared for God meeting me right there. Immediately two things came to my mind. The first was fears, duh. Thats what my constant prayers are, "Lord - take away my fears and anxiety". The second was unexpected and out of nowhere, the breakup of my family. Being that my parents divorced about over 12 years ago this seemed out of place. Yes - holidays and special events I have always felt torn, but so does everyone who has divorced parents, and besides I felt like I have handled my pain from that long ago. Anyhow, as soon as it popped in my head I recall shoving it back down thinking "that doesnt make sense, back to my fears".

After the session broke my friends and I went up to speak with Dr Hillis about the talk. I was just kind of tagging along with my two friends who wanted to talk to her, but at some point during the talk something Dr Hillis said hit me smack in the face. It was as if all of a sudden she was speaking through a bullhorn as she spoke. Dr Hillis said "its not about courage, its about obedience". My whole world stopped at that sentence and it has echoed in my head over and over. More on this later.

The reason my friends wanted to talk to her was in regards to fear about their children. There is a pretty awesome drawing Dr Hillis used to explain how we have to teach our children to trust the Lord instead of trusting him through us. And in that we have to trust them to him.

The next day my besties and I went to a quiet time session. Again, so excited about all I was learning I was not expecting some great prayer time. But as soon as I went and sat down to pray the Lord grabbed my heart and drew me in. He started to explain things in my heart that I had never put together before. It was like a story unraveling in my heart. Here it was:

When you are young you didn't have to be brave. You had loving parents and you trusted them. When they told you what to do you would trust that they knew what was safe and you did it. You fully trusted your parents so you were obedient to them. When they told you to get on a plane, you just did it, knowing that they wouldn't make you do something that wouldn't be safe, it wasn't about bravery it was about obedience.

Then the Lord showed me how when my parents split up I felt like I had no home, no family, no stability, and noone to lean on. My parents hadn't gone anywhere but things were not the same. They were broken hurting people who needed my support not my burdens. That was the year I developed panic disorder and stopped doing things that scared me. This was also the last year I got on a plane.

The Lord showed me that because of how I saw my parents I was no longer looking to them for where to step next. I was no longer living my life after my parents' direction, and my life was no longer a series of obedient steps directed by them.

I recognized right away that there was a connection between this and what Dr Hillis had said the night before. "Its not a matter of courage but obedience" more soon...


  1. [...] Journey To Healing Part One brought me to a point where I realized that I did not need to be brave to overcome my fears, but [...]

  2. [...] to Healing Series Journey to Healing – Introduction Journey to Healing – 1 – Its not a matter of courage but obedience Journey to Healing – 2 – Your husband will love, lead, and protect Journey to Healing [...]


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